Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances
by AishiExcel
Summary: When Lestat randomly arrives in the Sohma household and chaotic random humor comes with him, it can only be put down to Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances.... Chapter 2 is up...beware!
1. Chapter 1

Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances! (Or: Why did the Vampire Cross the Road?)

A Vampire Chronicles/Fruits Basket Crossover!

Summary: Lestat (yes, THE Lestat! The one! The Only! Would you like his Autograph?) Randomly decides he's going to Japan. Somehow, by the power of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances, he meets the Sohma Family. Oh, yeah, Armand, Marius, Louis, the rest of the Somhas and perhaps some others get dragged along for the ride too. Now Lestat and Ayame are trying to out-talk each other, Armand falls victim to the Yuki Fan Club, and poor Marius ends up locked in a room with Ritsu and Momiji! How will our poor vampires last in their most challenging feat yet- forget the Queen of the Damned, Akasha, their latest opponent is the ENTIRE SOHMA FAMILY! Dun-Dunn-DUUN! 

Disclaimer: I don't own the VC OR anyone from Fruits Basket. Any OOC-ness is done deliberately for the sake of humor. Oh, and be warned: Strange things lie in these waters. Strange things, indeed. Flame if you like; it's kind of chilly here in Aussie-land anyways!

Part one: Lestat Goes to Japan (or: Why isn't there Better Parking in Gotham City?)

(One day, in Lestat-land **_1_ **Lestat has a plan….)

Lestat: I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO PRIVELIGE YOU ALL WITH MY COMPANY!

Louis: What did he say?

Armand: I don't know…something about having a big head.

Lestat: -- There's not need to act mean just because you'll feel deprived without me. I know you really can't LIVE without me.

Armand: We can't LIVE at all. We're dead, remember?

Louis: I don't even know where you're going, how am I supposed to miss you?

Lestat: I have decided to become wise in the ways of the East! (Turning Japanese by The Vapors_**2 **_mysteriously begins playing from nowhere) You know, travel to Japan, take up Buddhism, become a Zen Master, maybe pick up a few cute Japanese schoolgirls, and then return, enlightened!

Armand and Louis: --0 (sweat drop)

Lestat: Well, I'm off. See-ya once I've become a fantastic Kung Fu warrior, learned in the mystical ways of Guitar, and arrive in London in a FedEx crate on the doorstep of a nonexistent studio belonging to an animated three-piece band in search of a fourth member!_**3**_

(Lestat vanishes into thin air)

-MOMENT OF SILENCE-

Louis: I pity Japan.

Armand: Me, too.

Louis: Should we go after him?

Armand: Probably.

Both: ………… -silence-

Louis: Want to take the Batmobile_**4**_?

Armand: Sure!

(Somehow, the two drive the Batmobile to Japan)

Meanwhile, in Gotham City…

Batman: Now, where DID I park that thing?

At the same time, in a certain house in Japan…

Kyo: GET BACK HERE YOU DAMN BUNNY!

Momiji: WAAAAAAAAH! KYO'S GOING TO PUT ME IN A POT, COOK ME UP AND EAT ME WITH A LITTLE BIT OF SOY SAUCE!

Kyo: No I'm not! I wouldn't bother with the soy sauce!

Haru: And then two people are going to make out in an elevator.

(Everyone_**5**_ stares at Haru)

Haru: Like I did with Yuki.

(Everyone stares at Yuki)

Yuki: 0.0 Haru! I thought I told you never to speak of that again!

Kyo: Haru! What about ME? I thought we had something!

Yuki: Wait, Kyo, how dare you cheat on ME?

Kyo: You were the one cheating on me with Haru!

Yuki: So were YOU!

Hatori: Yuki, you were cheating on ME?

Shigure & Ayame: HA'RI! YOU WERE CHEATING ON US?

Tohru: Oroo! Are you all… that is, have you… ?

All: Afraid so.

Momiji: Who here HASN'T been with everyone else in the room?

(Tohru is the only one to raise her hand)

Tohru: Orooooooooooooo!

(At that point, Lestat falls from the sky on top of Tohru)

Tohru: Epee!

Lestat: (sitting quite contently and comfortably) **Konnichiwa Nippon!**

All: (sweat drop)

Lestat: **Eigo desu ka?**

Shigure: (pokes Lestat) Heehaw, he talks funny.

Lestat: I don't get it. This is Japan. Aren't you supposed to speak Japanese?

Hanajima: It is called the Fourth Law of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances. The said party will speak perfect English aside from occasional outbursts of Bad Fan-girl Japanese so as to prevent the author's lack of language skills from showing and also to avoid the long drawn-out part of the story where they try to interpret each other's speech.

Yuki: **Hai, Baka Neko**.

Kyo: **Itai!**

Lestat: Oh, really? Where do you find these laws?

Announcer Guy: Right here, in our very own, handy-pocket-sized guide to The Laws of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances! Only three easy payments of $29.95! Order now!

Kisa: (pulls out machine gun and shoots him)

Tohru: Um, not to be, um, rude, but, um, do you, um, mind telling me, um, who you, um, are, um, and why you're, um, um, UM, sitting on me, um_**6**_?

Lestat: -evil gleam- Je suis le Vampire Lestat! I am the Vampire Lestat! The Brat Prince! The one, the only, the rock star, the consort to the Queen of the Damned, the one who's been to hell and back, a god amongst mortals if you will! Feel honored by my very presence! For I am LESTAT! (Cherry blossom petals begin blowing in the wind, one particularly sharp one hitting Akito in the eye and blinding him _**7**_)

Yuki: Is it just me, or does he remind you of someone?

(All eyes turn to Aya)

Aya: WAIT JUST A MINUTE! (Walks up to Lestat)

Lestat: Yes?

Aya: How DARE you come into MY house-

Shigure: Hey! It's MY house!

Aya: Quiet, 'Gure or I'll have to whip you for being a naughty boy.

Hatori: Knowing you two he'd like that.

Aya: STOP INTERRUPTING ME! How dare you come into my house and take my title as the Most Confident, Most Beautiful, Most Feminine Loudmouth Who Never Shuts Up and Loves to Talk about Themselves!

Uotani: He's actually proud of his title. I don't know what's sadder; the fact that he won it or the thought that there's someone worse than him who could take it from him.

Lestat: My dear… um, what was your name again?

Ayame: AYAME SOHMA! THE BEAUTIFUL THIRD MEMBER OF THE MABUDACHI TRIO! THE-

Lestat: That's nice. Anyways, my dear Ayame, forgive me _deeply_ for taking away something that was obviously so… _dear to you**8**_. Is there anyway I can… (Wink, wink) _make it up to you_?

Ayame: Mmm, there might be ways….

(Both give each other thumbs up and say, "YES!")

Shigure: TT But that's MY thing with Aya!

(Just then, the Batmobile crashes through the wall)

Armand: DEAR GODS LOUIS, DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD "BRAKES"?

Louis: I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!

Armand: Wait… then how did we get here?

Hanajima: That is the Second Law of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances. Don't bother wondering how the hero happened to arrive at said place. If it isn't written, then the author was too lazy or too uninspired to bother thinking of it.

Announcer Guy: And YOU, too can use these amazing laws for only three payments of-

Kisa: Shut the & up! (Hits him over head with iceberg)

Meanwhile, Lestat and Ayame are trying to out-talk one another…

Lestat: …and I was the biggest selling album, but of course in the middle of my concert she attacked, well, many vampires attacked, but of course she wanted ME to be her king-

Ayame: Ah! Reminds me of the time I told my teacher why I have such long hair! It started of course with me being the student council president- Because of course, everyone loved dear Aya- and I was scolded for my long hair. So I started to tell the teacher of how I was royalty in the kingdom of Rubella and-

(Akito's head explodes from all their inane self-centered rambling)

Everyone: ….. YAY!

Louis: Hell-LO! Did no-one notice two vampires crashing through the wall in the Batmobile?

Kagura: Two especially good-looking vampires, might I add… -look of pure evil-

Louis: Yes, two- Uh-oh.

Kagura: Rawer! (Launches herself at Louis, transforming into a boar in the process, and carries him away on her back to the Lair of Evil _**9**_)

Armand: O.o (tries to sneak away)

(With impeccable timing, the Yuki Fan Club bursts in)

Y.F.C._**10**_: Y-U-K-I! He aren't got no alibi! He's YUKI! Voodoo, YUKI!

Yuki: **Mon dieu,** save me!

Armand: You speak French?

Yuki: O.o No.

(Suddenly the Y.F.C's '**Bishonen** Radar' mysteriously goes off.)

Y.F.C: -evil gleam- (lock onto Armand)

Armand: What is the Japanese word I was looking for?

Yuki: That would be, **'shimatta'**.

Armand: Right. **SHIMATTA**! (Takes off, promptly followed by the YFC)

Aishi: And so, we leave our first installment of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances with all of our vampires in danger!

Lestat: I'm not in danger.

Aishi: Shut up. You are if I say you are.

Lestat: But I'm NOT!

Aishi: SHUT UP! STOP CORRECTING YOUR AUTHORESS AND MASTER! (Shoves him in a closet) Next time, we watch Louis's fate, a new vampire guest arrives, and we have some obsession with bread! Tune in for an all new episode of MYSTERIOUSLY CONVENIENT CIRCUMSTANCES!

Lestat: You realize this probably won't last more than two chapters, don't you?

Aishi: I SAID SHUT UP!

1 Such a place exists if I say it does! Ayah!

2 You know that song from the eighties? Come on, you have to know it!

3 Ten points if you get my not-so-subtle hint to a favorite band of mine…

4 Don't ask. Just … don't… ask…

5 'Everyone' is: Kyo, Yuki, Haru, Shigure, Ayame, Hatori, Kagura, Uotani, Hanajima, Akito (DIE!) Momiji, Kisa, Hiro, Ritsu, and a dead fly on the windowsill. And they have ALL…. O.o yeah

6 I used 'um' 11 times total in that sentence! Not that you really wanted to know.

7 I really don't like 'it' (as I call Akito). Can you tell?

8 Sentences in Italic have Seduction turned up to Ten!

9 The very same basement that Excel Saga's Il Palazzo uses!

10 Like KFC! Only not as nice-tasting! (Actually, KFC is pretty greasy and fatty and…. Let's not get into it.)


	2. Chapter 2

PART DEUX!

Aishi: As promised, (and requested by a few reviewers- MWAH! THANKYOU for liking this piece of randomness) I have returned with another installment of-

MYSTERIOUSLY CONVENIENT CIRCUMSTANCES! DUNDUNDUUUUUUUN!

Lestat: (from inside closet) stop striking that pose! That's MY sexy dramatic pose!

Aishi: (smacks closet door with a broom) I'll feed you to my witch monkey!

Lestat: you don't have a witch monkey.

Aishi: … Mysterious… Anyways. This chapter actually makes LESS sense than the first one, if that's possible. I'm not sure why it took me so long to write it. I think I was trying to juggle about four other actual, real stories and forgot to be random. Hate it, please because I don't think I did well.

Part Two: Of Rats and Bread (or: Isn't Fairytopia that Barbie Movie?)

In the Lair of Evil:1

Louis: What exactly is it you plan to do with me?

Penguin: Wok wok2?

Louis: -- Not you. I was speaking to the girl with the oversized-

Kagura: Yeeeeeeees?

Louis: … hammer.

Kagura: ILOVEYOU! (Smacks him with hammer)

Louis: … Arr…. If you let me go, I'll give you a lock of my hair?

Kagura: (gets out Hair collection) let's see… Legolas, Light Yagami3, Michael Jackson… Nope, I don't have a lock from you

Louis: Omg, you have a lock of Michael Jackson's hair? I love that guy… can I trade you my limited edition boxers from Davey Havok for that?

Kagura: (thinks for a second) NO! (Pulls rope and Louis falls into a bottomless pit)

Louis: AHHHHHHHHHHH- hey, I found a Cheetah in here- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kagura: Uh-oh… me sorry?

Meanwhile, in … Fairytopia4

Lestat: … Who likes baked beans and cowboys?

Marius: KABBALAH! (Smashes through the wall)

Shigure: … There IS a door, you know.

Door: (humps dog)

Marius: Ahem. Hello, Lestat, hello, Armand…

Armand: (running on treadmill while the YFC's chase him on exercise bikes) Huff, huff, HELLO MARIUS!

YFC: Hi Marius!

Momiji: Have you met before?

Haru: Sure. I, and the Yuki Fan club, go over to his house for milk and cookies every Thursday.

Marius: Lemon cookies, I might add.

Haru: WRONG! THEY'RE CHOCOLATE CHIP! (Throws him into a jail cell with Momiji and Ritsu)

Lestat: What was that all about?

Ayame: Dear Gure, WHEN did you have a jail cell installed?

Hana: That is the Ninth rule of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances. There should Always be a jail cell and/or torture devices located nearby.

Shigure: And I thought it would be kinky for playing cops and robbers.

Hatori: Finger go heere? (Places finger on guitar string)

Kisa: (looks around for announcer guy)

Announcer Guy: I should be safe in here. (Hiding in garbage can)

Batman: Get out! (Throws him into a blender5)

Marius: … Um… hello pretty young ladies?

Momiji: …BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Ritsu: (bursts into tears)

Marius: -- Women. Really.

Momiji: (pees pants from laughing)

Ritsu: …. NOOOOOOOOOOO! IHAVECAUSEDYOUTOSOILYOURSELFJUSTFROMLOOKINGATMYHORRIDNESSPLEASEJUSTBURNMENOWANDFEEDMETOTHENATIVESONTHEISLEOFPELIGOSTOSWHEREIWILLMEETAPIRATEANDSOMEPOKEMONANDTHENIWILL DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!6

Marius: … Arr… no habla Espanola?

Ritsu: SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SO SORRRYSORRY!

Marius: … I like you. You're coming home with me. (Puts Ritsu in his pocket)

Momiji: YAY! Ice-cream!

Marius: Ah, what the hell (licks Momiji's face7)

Haru: Well. With them out of the way, Yuki, we can get down to the REAL business at hand. (Sits on top of Yuki)

Yuki: '///' which is?

Haru: Making bread. (Gets out flour, eggs, milk, mixing bowls, etc.)

Lestat: ooh! Ooh! OOOOOH! I must join in! (Also sits on Yuki)

Ayame: To inform everyone, I am the residential bread making champion amongst my school's student council. You see, to decide who the best at making the bread was; we didn't actually make any bread, but rather had a contest of many things like skill, wisdom, and best bikini body. In the end it was a tie which had to be resolved with a contest called soggy sweatbox-

Tohru: I like to make bread.

Kyo: You like NOTHING! Go do my laundry.

Tohru: … Yes sir.

Armand: (still running on treadmill) I think I almost outrun them!

YFC: WE'RE CATCHING UP!!!!!!!

Somewhere in Gotham City:

Robin: This story makes no sense. They can neither be catching up nor escaping on exercise bikes and treadmills, both stay in place. And why is a vampire making bread he cannot eat? And why is batman in the story when he has NOTHING to do with it?

Aishi: SHUTTHEFUP! OR I WILL FEED YOU TO MY WITCHMONKEY!

Robin: You have no witch-monkey.

Back in Fairytopia:

Rin: (also sitting on Yuki) Pass the salt.

Marius: (passes her the salt) Pass the butter.

Haru: (passes him the butter) Pass the eggs.

Hiro: (passes him the eggs) Pass the cocaine.

Yuki: (passes him the cocaine) Why are so many people sitting on top of me making bread?

Lestat: I'LL TELL YOU WHY! ONCE, IN FRANCE, A YOUNG NOBLEMAN NAMED LESTAT WAS KILLING WOLVES AND-

Aya: None, none, which is not the reason at ALL! (Stands on Yuki) IT ALL STARTED WITH MUCH STRANGENESS! I WAS OUT IN MY SWEATSHOP WHERE MANY POOR CHILDREN MAKE CLOTHES FOR ME8 WHEN-

Kisa: We like to & (in hurt you. (Puts firecracker down Yuki's pants.)

Uotani: My. I…hurt…

Kyo: Yes, yes, it does.

(Kagura bursts through the door holding a naked Louis)

Kagura: MY FRIEND NEEDS TO BE PUNISHED! HHE STOLE MY LOCK OF HAIR FROM MICHAEL JACKSON9!

Louis: Beekeeper! I am NUDE!

(Louis' man-bits are covered with a large rubber ducky)

Lestat: Le gasps! I simply MUST have one of those! (Throws off his clothes)

Ayame: Why Lestat, your ducky has fangs… and devil horns! And a guitar! (Snuggles the duck)

Lestat: Ooh… you can snuggle my ducky _ANYTIME_!

Shigure: What about MY ducky10? (Heartbroken)

Ayame: Mmm… what was that? Oh, yes, Gure, I remembered to put out the washing. (Continues rubbing his face against the duck located in Lestat's nether regions)

Shigure: THAT'S IT! Lestat, I declare WAR!

Lestat: Hmm?

Shigure: You want to steal my Aya from me! I shall battle you for his heart!

Lestat: Ah! So it is a battle you desire! Very well, the fabulously sexy and powerful Lestat will comply! How do I say this…? BRING it ONN! (Snaps fingers and does the head-action like a cheerleader)

(The two run off into a closet and much grunting and straining can be heard)

Marius: … Who likes chocolate puppies11? I have some in my car (strokes Momiji's head)

Momiji: Ya! Loveless?

Marius: … Sure, whatever that meant. (Continues petting Momiji)

Armand: Huff, huff, if I run two more laps, I might qualify!

All: …. GO ARMY GO!

(The grunting and straining noises from the closet have, at this point, turned into moans)

Ayame: 'Gure, dear, you're not doing anything I wouldn't do, are you?

Louis: (still nude) Ayame, there isn't much you WOULDN'T do.

Aya: Damn. Well… you aren't doing anything Haru wouldn't do, are you?

Haru: (burying his face in Yuki's stomach) Tummmyyyyy!

Aya: … Damn, I'm running out of people with limitations.

Hatori: -- (opens closet door)

(Inside, Shigure and Lestat are playing Tekken on PS2 and Lestat is still naked12)

Lestat: Rhhhhhhhhh, Ahhhh! Hwoarang, kick him!

Shigure: Mmm, Mmm, Oh! I lose TT

Lestat: Pay up, doggy.

Shigure: Oh, okay… (Hands him the dead, headless body of Akito)

Lestat: Ya! Now I may do as I please with this.

Marius: Just as I'm going to do? (Putting Momiji in his pocket)

Ritsu: It's cramped in here- OH NO I'M COMPLAINING! SOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Momiji: My cat's breath smells like cat food 13

Kyo: No it doesn't!

Marius: (stuffs Kyo into his pocket as well) Muahahahahahaaaa!

Hanajima: Just so everyone knows, the closet scene was Rule Six of Mysteriously Convenient Circumstances. If two characters run into a closet and begin making sex-noises, chances are, they will be doing something inane and random and NOT actually having sex. Unless of course you're in the mind of a perverted, depraved author/authoress who doesn't get enough as it is-

Aishi: A-Okay, you can just **urusai** there or you're gonna be **sushi**. And fed to my witch-monkey.

Momiji: **Yatta**! Worse fan girl Japanese! **Hai, Hai**!!!!

1 This, as I said, is nothing more than a leaky basement with a bottomless pit installed in somehow.

2 This penguin also happens to be the emperor of Rubala.

3 From Deathnote. That anime PWNS ASS! (pets Ryuk)

4 Any place that has Ayame and Lestat gathered together has to be some kind of fairy world.

5 Not to be mistaken for a Bender.

6 Ten points to the reviewer who can figure out what the HELL he's on about. Even I don't know.

7 Marius: Just to let everyone know, Momiji tastes a bit like lime coke and mint tea.

8 Ayame's sweatshop: the only sweatshop that runs on PURE EROTIKA!

9 When Michael Jackson dies, they're going to melt him down and turn him into an Xbox. … Please don't kill me if you're an MJ fan.

10 Shigure's duck would be a dog. (Gure: If it's a duck how can it be a dog? Aishi: Shut up or I feed you to my witch monkey.)

11 Chocolate puppies © Alecia

12 I knoooooow you're enjoying the nudity. Don't lie.

13 Can anyone tell me who this quote is from? I know, but I'm not telling


End file.
